Shadowing

Nowadays, as the sun starts to set and the world’s dusk fades into darkness, I still have a constant, persistent shadow. My beloved Doug is in a common phase of Alzheimers called shadowing. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, he wants to be within eyesight or is calling out to find me, even though I’m nearly always near. I know this comes from a feeling of fear and insecurity – I am at this point his touchpoint to whatever come-and-go security, logic and reality he has at any given moment. That in itself is heartbreaking to experience in my hero always there-for-me husband, and one of the hardest feelings to accept so far in this process of daily heartbreaks.

I do a lot of research on dementia and spend some time reading others’ blogs – those who are experiencing this disease as a caregiver to a loved one – and this sentiment, this loss of privacy and quiet time, is a common theme throughout. Most personal stories that I read are from people caregiving for a parent though; it feels a little different when it is your spouse.

“In people with Alzheimer’s, I believe shadowing represents the message of uncertainty, insecurity or fear,” writes Angela Lunde in her Mayo Clinic Alzheimer’s blog. “‘Where am I? What am I doing here? What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? Do I know you?’ Consequently, caregivers represent a lifeline, security, a protector and an anchor to oneself.”

I see all these fears surfacing in Doug’s communication and behaviors, especially in the evening when another common phenomenon, called “sundowning,” exacerbates his anxieties. “Sundowning” manifests in confusion, anxiety, agitation and sleeplessness, and just increases the overall atmosphere of chaos and confusion. My evening spiritual practices include a lot of peace affirmations, self-centering prayer, and soothing messages for Doug – “I’m right here, you are safe, and I’m going to make us some tea,” acknowledging his need for security and routine. We maintain pretty structured rituals for evening time at home, especially after dark.

Caring for someone who has Alzheimer’s dementia is stressful and sometimes overwhelming. But when shadowing starts to occur, the experience can be virtually suffocating. It is a really difficult behavior for someone like me to manage and…somedays I just need some SPACE!!! A Silent Place Alone to reCharge my Energy

That challenge of never being alone is really hard. I was single for 23 years before my Doug and I got together, and about 7 of those years were after all 3 of my kids had left home to embark on their own adventures in college and in life. And I loved it. Being able to make my own schedule, eat what and when I wanted, do or not do activities suited me just fine. I love my life with Doug, and this phase is really hard because alone time, just some “space away” in our home is just not easily accomplished. Uninterrupted bathroom time, reading time, thinking time, writing time, praying time —I crave it. For those of you who are right now thinking, “Why doesn’t she just…. (whatever you think should be easy enough to do)? believe me, it is not.

I’ve somewhat adapted at this point, albeit a bit begrudgingly, to embracing the few moments each day when, like right now, he is napping in the chair next to me, or has taken Maya, our dog, out for a short walk, which he blessedly still feels like doing most mornings. Sometimes he putters in the garage, or watches TV in another room, or does a bit of watering in the yard. Even in those more quiet moments, though, I’m still “on duty,” watching the Life 360 when he’s out walking, or listening to his breathing patterns, which have also changed, or checking on him outside or in the garage, responding to any unusual noises with a bit of alarm.

Fortunately, as always, God’s got me! A deeper SPACE is always available (when I can remember) – my Soul’s Peace-filled Alignment with the Christ Expression within – that place of inner quiet no matter the outward conditions. That SPACE is always available and so valuable right now as we navigate yet another phase of Alzheimers, with daily, even minute to minute, changes happening in Doug’s brain . I can just breathe, go within, celebrate the good in my life with gratitude. Andthere is plenty of good!

As my OuterSPACE becomes less available, I return to the ever-present InnerSPACE in oneness with God. I am blessed and grateful.

Thanks for sharing in my JOY today from DeepSPACE!