Life Savors

This week I’m so tired of being the only grownup in the house. I know that sounds terribly whiny, Hear me out….

The mowers threw a stone and shattered the storm door at the front of our house.

The air conditioning in my very old car is not working and it is already ##$%& HOT outside.

Our garage door opener quit working, the bazillion potted plants outside need watering (those hoses are HEAVY!) , the garage needs to be cleaned up and organized with a lot of stuff needing to go to the dump.

The electricity has been on and off several times, usually right when I’m in the middle of needing to do something “electric.”

I haven’t cleaned my house in 2 weeks and the dust bunnies are bigger than our dog Maya, a 60 pound Vizsla, and Doug is no longer driving, so I am chauffeur to all appointments and errands and EVERYTHING.

Our HVAC needs servicing, trees must be trimmed before the next storm (over 50 in our yard, mature oaks!) and I need new tires. Can I manage all this?!? Of course I can, and yet, this is the stuff Doug used to take care of. I’m overwhelmed, under-energied, mad and sad. I’ve had to start taking medicine for my heart, I wake up tired, and I savor those all-too-rare moments when I can just BE without constant interruption… let’s just call it Exhaustion.

I honestly want to just sit in my recliner, watch Hallmark movies and Midsomer Murders, drink my tea (ok.. and some wine) and be a slug BY MYSELF for a week. But things have to be done, and I have my usual obligations on top of all the “Doug used-to duties.”

My dear friend Barb gave me a wonderful book about 15 years ago called “To Bless this Space Between Us,” written by Celtic poet, mystic, and former priest John O’Donohue. It is filled with beautiful free verse poetry that tends sweetly to my tired and sad heart with word of blessings, each section seemingly written with an eye directly into my soul, expressed with an innate vision and wisdom about all it means to be human, to celebrate, to grieve, to be on the cusp of new adventures, to grow old. The following excerpt from this beautiful collection of poetry speaks deeply to me right now, allowing me to feel whatever I feel and still know there is hope.

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted    by John O’Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,

Time takes on the strain until it breaks;

Then all the unattended stress falls in

On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.

Things you could take in your stride before

Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.

Gravity begins falling inside you,

Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out

And you are marooned on unsure ground.

Something within you has closed down;

And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.

The desire that drove you has relinquished.

There is nothing else to do now but rest

And patiently learn to receive the self

You have forsaken in the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken

And sadness take over like listless weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

AHHH – I’ve read this time and time again, different passages cutting through and softening all the hardness of caregiving to my beloved, offering grace to my soul – I feel heard, understood, and hopeful. GRACE! God’s Reminder that I am Always Cherished and Embraced – wrapped in love, in light, in peace – no matter the circumstances or conditions. I don’t have to be anything or anyone other that who I am, right now, mired in exhaustion. Doug is sleeping, the TV is off, there is a gentle rain pattering on the skylight. GRACE!

Blessings and gratitude for listening!

Alzheimer’s disease is a terminal condition. I haven’t yet wrapped my head or my heart around that concept. I do my research, I sign up for caregiver blogs, I do continuing education offered online at the James L. West Center for Dementia in Ft. Worth.

It is all helpful in some ways, and… it is not, because I still can’t quite grasp that my darling Doug, my soulmate, is dying from Alzheimer’s and I am helpless to stop it.

I pray, I cry, I read some more, research, learn, cry some more, pray some more.

I was watching an inspirational video about a young woman who has terminal cancer, and her words “we all die from something; this is what I am dying from” gave me pause. As a long time RN who has worked in many settings, including ER and hospice, I have witnessed people transitioning in many ways – trauma, overdose, heart attacks, cancer and other diseases, car wrecks, expected deaths, unexpected deaths, some inexplicable. Still, this is my Doug, my beloved husband, who is younger than I, a spiritually aware, funny, sensitive and compassionate soul, and this doesn’t seem real to me. This hurts so much – I am a nurse for the love of Pete, and I help fix things, make people better, provide healing therapies and promote wellness ….right?!?!

When my daddy passed away four years ago, I knew what to expect. As one of two nurse daughters, I helped my other sisters and my mom understand some of the phases he would experience as his body did a natural shutdown. I was sad, yet as I helped take care of him in his last few months, it felt peaceful. I was honored to be a part of his last days, talking to him, holding his hand, laughing at some memories and crying over a few more.

This is different – I want to kick and scream and yell at God. I want to rant to the universe how unfair this is. I’m scared and I feel so helpless. I want to pray those damn amyloid placques away. I visualize Doug’s brain as whole and healthy. I rationalize – maybe if we change this medication, or offer more brain stimulation, Sodoku puzzles, drink more water, eat more fruit, have ice cream all day long— anything!

I have so many loving support systems – my kids, grandkids, Doug’s siblings and their beloveds, my sisters, more nieces and nephews than I can sometimes keep track of – a loving spiritual family at Unity of Arlington, and close forever friends. They all lift me in different ways with caring hearts and listening ears. It is wonderful and helpful, I am so grateful, and…it is still not enough.

What I have to return to time and time again is FAITH.

Being Firmly Anchored to Infinite Truth and Hope is something no other person or outer events or circumstances can offer – this is just totally me and God – Infinite Truth. It is at once intangible and abstract, yet concrete, palpable. Thoughts of faith nest in my mind and touch my heart and soul with peace. It is the anchor that tethers me to God, to Truth, to Hope in a sea of uncertainty and anxiety, it brings calm to my chaotic fears. That is the very real Presence of God. I trust that Spirit is the constant HOPE, holding us fast through every moment of caregiving, of loving, while Doug and I maneuver each new moment of concern, each new change, each exhausting day and sometimes restless nights.

Doug is dying from Alzheimer’s; we are all dying from something. Dark thoughts or the light of spiritual awareness ? I don’t pretend to know… probably both?

What I do know is that right now this very minute there is more to live with my Doug, more to love with him, more to enjoy our lives and celebrate the good with gratitude. Those are my affirmations in Faith, those are the words of HOPE I pray. Still…

somethimes the best I can do is just let myself REST in FAITH – when I can remember to do that.

Blessings!

A Prayerful End to All Conflict Everywhere!

Our national Department of Defense recently became the Department of War…what a missed opportunity to make an important statement about what our nation’s “heart values” are, or could be, given appropriate direction and wisdom. I would instead recommend calling it the Department of Peace – a much better focus for our country from my perspective; I submit the majority of those who live in our world might feel the same.

Today is Memorial Day. Even when we don’t agree with war, as I suspect most of us don’t, we still take time to honor the memory of those who served and didn’t survive. They answered the call of duty to country, going off to foreign lands, no doubt most of them scared, and many many of them just kids. We honor their families on this day, too. I can’t imagine the heartbeak at receiving the news of a loved one’s death, or MIA/POW status, or never receiving any word at all about what happened – they just never returned. Memorial day is not just about the past. Hostile conflicts throughout our world continue up to now; current events are saturated with the word WAR as more precious children of God are killed in the line of duty, frequently to serve someone else’s false gods of greed and power.

Peace to their souls.

And war-time casualties come in different ways. I consider Memorial Day a tribute to them as well, who, like a friend I had in high school, returned physically, but…

Tommy was a few years older than I, just back from Vietnam, and came to visit me in Borger. He confided he felt “dead inside.” I really didn’t grasp the depth of his heartbreak until I was a seasoned nurse with a lot more human trauma experience, but something that happened during his visit is a lasting, sad memory. We were sitting in the living room talking, and my daddy came home from work, raising up our big, heavy and noisy garage door to come inside. It was just a familiar rumble to me, but it triggered Tommy, who immediately bolted from his chair and hit the floor face down with arms protecting his head. He was shaking, so embarrassed, and left not long after, never visiting again. I still think of him sometimes. I don’t know where he is or if he is still in the dimension of the living, but I send out peace energy, hoping that somewhere along the way he felt alive again.

Peace is a soothing, healing, grounding word, releasing restorative energy that counteracts chaos. This Memorial Day, as we remember those who have and who are sacrificing their lives in service to others, let us also remember to affirm PEACE, to achieve that Peaceful End to All Conflict Everywhere, internal and external. It is only with peace in our own hearts can we manifest peace everywhere. Blessed Memorial Day, and Peace to all.

Truth or Consequences – you remember that old TV game show from the 50s-70s with host Bob Barker, where contestants had to answer a question correctly or face the consequences by performing some silly or embarrasing stunt? I remember Mom watching it while she was ironing!

And Truth or Dare?  I played this as a kid…(along with spin the bottle- not related, but fun!) where we had the choice between answering a question truthfully, or performing a “dare.”

But TRUTH is definitely not a GAME! Real TRUTH demands some distinction about what it is and what it is not!! In today’s current events, “truth” seems blurry – actual facts, full history, science do not seem to matter to many as long as the words and consequent actions elicit a wanted response, often a self-serving one.

In real life, there are real consequences for “untruth,” aka lies, although it does seem sometimes that people, especially those in power, can lie with impunity. There are also consequences for daring to tell real truth, especially to those in power, as many brave politicians, activists, spiritual leaders and others can attest to.

Although an ancient concept, the phrase “speak truth to power” was popularized by  Bayard Rustin, an American civil rights activist and Quaker, who used it as early as 1942 and later helped write the 1955 pamphlet Speak Truth to Power: A Quaker Search for an Alternative to Violence. It was designed to urge confronting authority with moral truth. Ahh.. truth and morality… more on that later.

In one of my favorite movies, Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson’s character says “I”ve never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth,” to which Diane Keaton’s character replies with vigor, “The TRUTH doesn’t have VERSIONS, OK?!?!!”.

Unfortunately, “versions of truth” are very popular in our current culture. I very seldom delve (or devolve?) into political discourse, however, here we go!

First, what truth is not. For example, “Truth Social” is often neither truth (factual, based on reality) nor social (activities involving friendly companionship)! At best, it is a first amendment-protected social media platform for many ultra-conservative viewpoints, but opinion does not make it factual. “Bluesky,” more at the other end of the political spectrum falls into the same category. OPINIONS are not FACTS, no matter how loudly or often they are proclaimed, no matter how much money or power is backing them! These more extreme outlets, and there are many of them nowdays, foster distrust and unrest, spread nastiness, and infect those who believe the lies with disharmony.

We all lose eventually when lies prevail. Fortunately, lies only “win” short-term. The Latin proverb veritas vincit omnia – truth conquers all – reflects the “enduring human resilience to seek facts and maintain integrity in the face of misinformation.” (quoted from Wikipedia) I firmly believe that most people want to live in integrity, live in truth. Social media has made that a little more difficult, but I still have the faith that truth is the ultimate winner.

What TRUTH is – the property of being in accord with fact, reality, or actuality. It signifies conformity to what is real, including verified facts, principles, or an honest, accurate representation of events…thank you, Merriam Webster!

It takes real moral courage and commitment to spiritual integrity to tell the truth. I’ve told my share of lies, and I’ve fallen under the trance of others’ lies before. Neither feels good, and neither serves my soul. Even under the pretext of being gentle with others (or myself – many of the lies I’ve told were to me!) or using “little white lies” for good, lies are lies.

Now I am not proposing harshness or the self-seving brand of getting into other’s business because “they need to know the truth.” But I am suggesting that before anything comes out of our mouths or is shared on social media, that it be filtered. THINK. I’ve heard several acronyms for this, but this is my preferred… THINK before you share. Ask yourself , is it True Helpful Inspiring Necessary Kind?

Much good can come from this; I’ve taught to my kids, my grandkids, and I try to promote it actively in conversations with others when I receive questionable information.

Now – morality and TRUTH – I think a most important facet of the overall theme. While they are two different constructs, morality and truth must go hand in hand, heart to soul. One’s spiritual sense of well-being and wholeness (holi-ness) depends on the marriage of our Inner Truth with our personal sense of morality. Only then can real truth be expressed outwardly and with authenticity, which is essential to spiritual and moral integrity.

When we are speaking about Divine Truth, Absolute Truth, the word takes on a much deeper significance. Now we are expressing the greater idea of Universal Truth, which is God, by whatever name you call God – and there are many names, but it is all God, because God is all there is. Omnipresence!

I gleaned from my research (AI) that the word “truth” in different forms appears 333 times in the King James version of the Bible – in the Hebrew texts and in the New Testament, especially in John. From John 16:13 we hear, “The Spirit of Truth will guide into all truth,” and from John 8:32 “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

Charles Fillmore, co-founder of Unity, defined TRUTH as the underlying spiritual reality of God’s perfection and oneness with humanity. In hisTalks onTruth, he expressed truth as an experienced, internal conciousness achieved through prayer, meditation and affirmations.

Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that truth is revealed in the peace of the present moment and deep listening.

The Dalai Lama expresses that truth is inextricably linked to compassion, altruism and a realistic understanding of interconnectedness.

Mahatma Ghandi’s credo – God is Truth. Rumi taught that ultimate truth transcends language, intellect, and rigid concepts of right and wrong, and viewed truth as something you experience directly through silence, love, and a deep realization of our inner oneness with the Divine.

And most recently in the news, Pope Leo brings us this: Truth is a living and radiant force that endures despite being obscured by fake news, lies and unfounded accusations. His instruction is to preach the Gospel and peace truthfully, and he calls for journalists to act as a bulwark against misinformation.

WOW!! Obviously there is much more to truth than just not telling lies, although that is a good start!

I will leave those of you who have managed to stay with me this far on my truth musings with this…and yes, of course it is an acronym!!

Truth is the Transcendent Reality of the Universe that Transforms Hearts

It is time to STOP (take some Sacred Time Of Prayer) THINK (is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary and Kind) and LIVE TRUTH, SPEAK TRUTH, BE TRUTH,

Blessings and gratitude!

Blessed Energy of Silent Time Immersed in Light and Love

Do you remember the adages “Never wake a sleeping baby” and “rest yourself when the baby is asleep?” I feel like I’m back in that stage of life again with Doug. Getting some quiet time all to myself at home is premium and rare. Just some solitude, to be alone in my thoughts without interruptions, feels mostly like a thing of the past, because caregiving for my beloved Doug can be exhausting, overwhelming with its constancy.

I often stay up a little later than he to just be. If he takes a nap during the day, I celebrate by resting my tired mind! I relish the short walks he takes in the neighborhood on most mornings with Maya, our dog. For ten to fifteen minutes I can just relax my whole self – I can “see” Doug on the LIfe 360 app, so I know he’s safe. He’s been making the same walk for the 10 years we’ve lived here, and he is a familiar sight to many, with friends and benches along the way. He and Maya are the neighborhood ambassadors… they visit, I rest.

I make my cup of tea, recline in my chair with my comfy soft puppy pillow, and I just breathe. It is my time to BE STILL.

Psalm 46:10 is a blessing to me, a call to let go of burdens, to release my concerns to the care and keeping of God. It is a time to affirm Divine Order, to choose to listen to the still small voice within for guidance, for wisdom. It is a time of soul-nourishing peace.

One of my favorite meditations during this time is to use the psalm and parse it back a bit at a time. I breathe gently and say aloud,

“Be still and know that I am God”

“Be still and know that I am”

“Be still and know”

“Be still”

“Be… just be.”

Each part of the recitation brings a little different nuance, a gentle reminder of who I am as a child of God, a person of peace, worthy of self care.

He sleeps, I rest. He walks Maya, I rest. And when that time is over, Doug is awake or returning from his walk, I am refreshed and ready to love with renewed breath.

I am grateful for this!

I encourage you to make time to BE STILL. Here’s a song from Eddie Watkins, Jr, that is just lovely, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_6XoXExqUw

Enjoy, and thanks for sharing my journey with me today!

Sound like a modified expletive?? Well, it’s one I’m using a lot lately, but it’s probably a little different from what you think. DIM is one of my newly-formulated coping acronyms.

Dim doesn’t usually have a positive connotation – taking a dim view for example is an idiom that indicates looking at a situation with disfavor, pessimism, or lack of enthusiasm. Or dim as the opposite of bright, such as dim-witted, DIM is also the abbreviation for diindolylmethane, a natural compound found in cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli and cabbage that is considered a health benefit. Who knew??

For today’s narrative, though, DIM is Does It Matter? I’ve used it daily many many times over the last few weeks as Doug and I navigate yet another phase of Alzheimer’s dementia. My sweet guy has always been the Type A get-things-done/knows-how-to-fix and do so many things well. In that regard, he has always reminded me a lot of my Daddy, who passed away several years ago. Doug and Daddy used to talk a lot about jobs they had done, projects, guy talk about “fixing things.” The “want to” has remained in Doug’s changing brain, but the “how to” is rapidly diminishing.. These two areas of cognitive decline – memory loss and executive dysfunction ( the neurological term for progressive decline in high level cognitive planning, reasoning, multi-tasking and decision-making) – are managed in the frontal lobe of the brain. I just call them remembering and processing… it’s much easier. And sadly, Doug’s frontal lobe has definitely taken on a “mind of its own!”

It’s really important that Doug feels purposeful, especially given his “save the world” mentality. In that purposefulness, however, is a lot of neuro-misguidance. Emptying the dishwasher, putting food away, feeding our dog Maya, working in the yard, taking out the trash – tasks like these result in all sorts of strangely misplaced or mismanaged outcomes. I’ve found carrots in the silverware drawer, his wallet in the fridge, his phone wrapped up in a plastic bucket with a lid on it, dishes everywhere except where we usually keep them. Finding everyday items (keys, glasses, wallet, phone) takes up a good part of the day, and even though Doug’s driving is extremely limited now, he obsesses about needing his “stuff,” including keys close by. Blue-tooth trackers are immensely helpful, but it still takes time to track things, especially if they’ve been left in the garage or the yard. This is where I come to my “expletive”… Does It Matter?

Does It Matter where the dishes are, or that his wallet is cooling off in the fridge? Does it matter that the clothes have been washed twice or not at all before they’ve been put in the dryer? That the recycling and trash are frequently mixed? Does it matter that we spend a lot of time looking for things, or that the remote control has been put in a bathroom drawer after all the buttons have been pushed indiscriminately? (That one did kind of push my buttons!!) The short answer is no. The longer answer involves some spiritual processing on my part. The need for discernment, release, self control, actively loving, wisdom in responding, faith in the omni-presence of Spirit, the power of understanding what Doug is experiencing within and compassion for his frustration (and mine!) is a very real, minute to minute intentional choice.

Those spiritual practices bring me to this: as long as we are safe and comfortable in the abundant blessings we enjoy, we are together and awash in the love of family and friends, nothing else really matters. The practice, then, of gently reminding myself to find peace and joy within that framework of DIM DIM DIM becomes so beneficial to me, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am life-savoring! I breathe in, I breathe out, I smile, I wrap my arms around my sweet guy, and I know the truth of what does matter. I am living it. Thank you, God!

I was visiting with a friend who is also experiencing Alzheimers with her husband, a man who is even younger than my Doug. We knowingly laughed and cried through some shared stories, bonding as only those can who are meeting some of the same continually-changing circumstances that go with this awful disease. I admire her tremendously – still having to work full time while managing things at home with grace. During our conversation she said two things that really resonated with me. The first – “I never knew I could be so lovingly patient” and second – “I feel like I’m constantly recalculating.”

I aspire to the first, and the second REALLY resonated! Recalculating indeed!

Remember the older stand-alone navigation devices we had before they were integrated into phones and car electronics? I had a Garmin Global Positioning System (GPS) that helped me out of many not-quite-sure-where-I-am-where-I’m -going-how-to-get-there situations. A key element of that device was the nasal-toned female voice saying “reCALculating” each time I made a wrong turn or missed an exit, then setting me back on the best path to reach my desired destination. It’s a scary feeling when you are in unfamiliar territory and unsure of your best course of action to stay on your desired path. That’s how life with my beloved husband feels almost every day. Perception for a person with Alzheimers – their reality- may be quite different from what is actually, factually occuring, and no amount of logic or correction is going to change that. There is no road map for this tough terrain!

This is where my internal GPS comes in… the Guiding Power (or Presence) of Spirit!

This spiritual navigation system helps me course-correct when a day isn’t going as planned, or an approach, a word, the usual connection isn’t having the desired effect. Doug’s brain just doesn’t often have the capacity to process incoming information in a logical, sensical way; it’s up to me to figure out how to present necessary directions to him to keep things on track in a safe, purposeful, forward-producing manner..recalculating!

Just breathe. Center. Affirm omnipresence. Know Spirit’s Presence.

Assess how significant is his understanding of the situation – most often it doesn’t matter if we reach a mutual understanding of the situation at hand. I can smile, say “OK, sweetheart, that sounds good,” and he is content. Doesn’t matter if it makes sense – it satisfies his need to be acknowledged at the moment. My outwardly calm demeanor is essential, and I can feel Spirit whispering “peace” into my heart which doesn’t feel at all calm in this foreign Land of Non-sense. Sometimes, the situation is more urgent, like when he is looking for a power tool to “fix” something or his keys to drive somewhere – usually to Ace Hardware! Doug isn’t driving anymore, and really doesn’t need to be using power tools, so…recalculating!

Denying his need to be useful and do something helpful, purposeful just escalates his urgency; diversion is invaluable. On the way to get the tool or the keys, we stop in the kitchen for a favorite snack or to give a treat to Maya, our dog, and the errand he was on is forgotten. Course- correction completed with no damage done. I feel Spirit guiding me in a good direction to avert potential harm in a loving way.

I could fill a page with examples of the need to change direction, to take a different turn, find a new exit. Each day brings new and different situations that require a new road to successfully reaching Doug; I constantly recalculate to achieve optimal outcomes, find the best approaches, and it feels like just as I discover something that is effective, the map changes. I’ve realized that even without a debilitating brain declining disease in the picture, life circumstances often necessitate the need for course-correction. We have to recalculate self-care, priorities, time-managment, relationships, work situations, the list is endless.

Thank God my GPS has an infinite Source of Power, no batteries needed. And I continue to recalculate! Blessings!

I lost it ! Blew my cool, had a meltdown, threw a hissy fit, hit the roof, blew a fuse, flew off the handle. alternately sobbing and ranting… scared the heck out of Doug and me both…get the picture? The details leading to my blowup aren’t important because there are always going to be triggers no matter your life circumstances. Suffice to say it was over a really minor issue, the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. But my subsequent process of reflection and thought redirection to defuse and re-center are vital to physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, and the basis of my blog today.

I’ve always considered myself to be very resilient. Stuff happens, you take it in, consider options, make the best decision you can and go on, knowing that more stuff will happen and you’ll still be fine. That steadfastness comes from experiencing lots of challenges through the years and meeting them with courage and firmness of purpose through the tears, persisting in the face of obstacles, being open to learning the hard life lessons and applying them for self-improvement and life-enhancement. That’s worked pretty well for me through divorce, single parenting, professional provocations, health issues, navigating all the usual chapters in one’s life novel. Even in the most trying experiences, I had a knowing – that spiritual awareness – that all would be well eventually, even when things seemed darkest. I was resilient!

Recently, though, I’ve felt much less able to persevere – traversing an emotional tightrope over a huge dark abyss with danger at both ends of the rope is the best analogy I can think of. I often feel so prickly, that one misstep , one moment of distraction or inattention at the wrong time – “just one more thing” -will result in an emotional tumble down to a place of “I just can’t do this anymore!” Unsure of how far I might descend and scared that there there is no safety net beneath me, I’m constantly on this edge of resilience. It is foreign to me and frightening. It’s not at all suicidal or anywhere akin to thoughts of self harm in nature, just a dull, constant ache of needing to escape back to familiar territory of “I know how to do this.” This mindframe, the “stinkin thinkin” is what led to my major meltdown this week, and the subsequent challenge I faced, the deep need to get back to BALANCE!

Balance has always been one of my favorite words. I’ve told my kids since they were little that a good life is “all about balance” and of course I have an acronym for it.

Being in Alignment with Life’s Abundant Numinous Creative Energy ( Life Force – God!)

I desperately wanted to be back in the land of light and serenity, back into balance quickly, like just flipping a light switch and presto! Clarity and Peace… just like that, but it isn’t that easy! It took the time and energy of deep self-reflection, asking for forgiveness from Doug and getting right with him, then self-forgiveness and speaking gently to my soul, treating the self-inflicted wounds to my psyche, my heart – all at the cost of a good night’s sleep! I do some of my best self-reflection and deep spiritual listening at night. I played Karen Drucker’s sweet song “Gentle with Myself” several times to soften the places where the anger felt impenetrable. Tough 24 hours!

Revelations came, a soft light of understanding and deep sweet peace slowly dawned, emerging first as quiet feelings, then as words and lessons for my mind to consider so I could begin to reframe my raging thoughts. I kept hearing the word “privilege” whispered repeatedly in my head. I realized what a privilege it is to experience this part of my life with my beloved Doug – all of it – the repetition and word loss, nonsense sentences, the lack of short term memory, the constancy of care and minute to minute changes in orientation, the not knowing, and…the love, the caring, the laughter, the tears. Then came the realization of the sadness. The recognition of that deep sadness was a huge breakthrough moment of clarity, allowing me to change the way I was thinking and reacting. Fr. Richard Rohr, in his book “The Tears of Things” writes, “After a lifetime of counseling and retreat work – not to mention my own spiritual direction – I have become convinced that most anger comes, first of all, from a place of deep sadness.”

I realized I have been grieving – grieving the loss of the Doug that was, our life that was, our intended future plans – all the unknowns, the change. I’m grieving the loss of any semblance of a “usual day” that we used to enjoy. It is just plain sad to wonder each day if your husband is going to know who you are, how much you love him…remember that he loves you!

I knew this was the truth of my anger – deep sadness. But identifying it, naming it, enabled me to change my thoughts, to redirect them. Now, knowing and feeling this experience as privilege. allowed balance. Things are different and unexpected, and even unwanted, but we still have a love-filled and abundant life. My peace and gratitude came flowing back. I have clarity and an understanding acceptance that walking a tightrope might still be part of my journey, but there are joys on both sides of that trip across this canyon called dementia. I have a  balancing pole to help me maintain stability on that trek, and the tightrope has become more of a wider bridge to walk, with abundant blessings at one end and deep gratitude on the other. It’s harder to tip over, and allows for easier corrections of balance without the rage and loss of sleep. The canyon below is no longer a deep dark abyss; it is now beautifully lit with sweet reminders of each day when patience and loving helpfulness make things better. I have a safety net in place – spiritual practices, incredibly loving and helpful family and friends, an accessible team of knowledgeable health care providers, a beneficial array of resources at my fingertips, a supportive spiritual community.

My resilience is no longer on a thin edge where I constantly feel on the brink of despair and anger. I’m back on firm ground, a wide swath of fertile abundance as my base. Being able to authentically name sadness as a cause for my unexpected outburst of rage brought me back to a place of alignment – my balance restored. I know this doesn’t mean the sadness is gone or that I won’t feel angry and lost sometimes given the circumstances. But I also know even as my grief may continue to manifest in different ways though this journey, I will be able to manage, to thrive again with my renewed resilience!! I am so grateful.

Each week, as a spiritual practice, I write a new affirmation based on a focus word to direct my thoughts and actions in an intentional way to experience and effect good. I do it at the top of an 8 x 11 paper that also has a longer affirmative prayer which I update often, and big blank calendar spaces for each day to fill in things I plan to do, reminders, special events, appointments, etc. This is my MAP (Morning Affirmative Prayer). This week, my focus words are Wisdom and Discernment and my affirmation begins with this question: What is mine to do, not do, say, not say, and when is the best time to do, not do, say, not say?!?! I affirm the need to take time to STOP ( for Sacred Time Of Prayer) wait, I listen to the small quiet inner voice… Discern with Wisdom.

I’ve learned a lot in the last few years of living with my beloved Doug as we both experience his journey with dementia. I’ve taken caregiver classes through the James L. West Center for Dementia Care in Ft Worth (highly recommended!), talked to friends who are living with the same concerns and challenges and cried with those whose loved ones have transitioned with the diagnosis of Alzheimers. I’ve joined an online support group for caregivers, I read a lot, try to stay up on research, all of which is helpful. Yet nothing prepares me like just living each day with all the grace I can muster, being grateful for those moments when things seem “normal” and enjoyable, and learning the hard way what works and what is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL!

I’ve eliminated the question “remember? ” from my vocabulary – NOT AT ALL HELPFUL!

If Doug could remember names, events, processes, words, including what I just said one minute ago, he would! I have to remind myself that this is what amyloid placques do …those unwelcome abnormal clumps of protein that build up around the neurons, wreaking havoc – they damage the neurons and disrupt brain function. Doug wants so badly to remember things; he is usually aware that he has forgotten something with good nature and a sense of humor. God bless him. But his frustration is there, SO… what does help is my reassurance to him that I am here, that I love him, that I am not going anywhere, which seems to be a bit of a recurrent theme in his expressions of fear.

Also helpful is identifying and avoiding triggers that set him on a descending path – taking overnight trips away from home, having an alcohoic drink (NEVER AGAIN!!) , changing his routine, not eating regularly, me being gone for more than a few hours at a time, especially in the evening, dark seeming to be a trigger on its own. We learned about each of these the hard way, by him experiencing two frightening psychotic episodes, which, fortunately did not last for more than a few hours, but felt devastating. He doesn’t remember them, which is such a blessing. I would like to forget them.

I cry a lot with my own sense of inadequacy at not being able to fix this health problem, especially when my impatience has broken through in situations where he is trying to do something, it isn’t working and I know I can just do it quickly and without any problem. How dare I butt in, take over and emphasize his already heightened sense of inadequacy? I feel ashamed at my impatience, and am uncertain as to when to offer to help. But just taking over impatiently is NOT HELPFUL TO EITHER ONE OF US!

So… I STOP.

Taking time pray, to affirm the goodness in my life, to just breathe intentionally, in and out with the phrase “thank you, God” brings me back to center, reminding me of the LOVE present in the room, in the space between us, in my heart. I take a moment to savor that goodness, to smile, to give my beloved a quick kiss and squeeze his hand. This is what works.

So, my question to myself at the beginning of this page – what is mine to do, not do, say, not say, and when? It becomes pretty clear, even simple (but not necessarily always easy!). When I’m unsure, feel scared, impatient, inadequate, I STOP, breathe, open my heart, quiet my soul, listen to Spirit, and very often, PAUSE my mouth! This is HELPFUL! Discernment and Wisdom in action.

What is “Supremely” helpful? STOP in the name of LOVE!!

In my lovely little Unity church, we, like many other New Thought communities, have a White Stone ceremony at the beginning of each year. We are invited to prayerfully choose a word that comes to us through meditation, listening to our spiritual guidance in the quiet. My word this year is JOY – definitely God speaking to my heart in quiet whispers during this ceremony. Much more on that choice and what it means later, but first, a little more background.

White Stone ceremony comes after several weeks of different release activities and messages during Advent, culminating in a Burning Bowl ceremony on New Year’s Eve, when we literally toss into the fire a paper inscribed with those thoughts and habits that no longer serve us, letting go to make spiritual space for the new, for positive intentions and higher purpose.

The symbolism in each of these activities is deeply and personally meaningful to me, especially as they are done during Advent – metaphysically a time of preparation to receive Christ Consciousness at a new, higher level, birthing into the Light core concepts of Faith, Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. So beautiful!!

I share this as a way of a new beginning of sorts for me, resuming blogging after quite a hiatus, this time from a very personal place of caregiving for my husband Doug, who has mild dementia, early Alzheimers. This has aready been quite a journey for both of us over the last several years, and continues to be, which brings me back to my white stone word – JOY.

Many of you know I have a real penchant for acronyms… I love them; I “think” in acronyms, and have taken quite a liking to what I’ve termed “sacred-nyms” – using acronyms to describe spiritual concepts/words in a way that makes me smile and my friends roll their eyes and groan!

So JOY has become my word and my intention for this year… my 2026 purpose to embrace JOY – my Journey in Oneing and Yielding!

Oneing may not be a familiar word/concept to you, unless you are a fan of Julian of Norwich – a Middle Age mystic, theologian, author. and anchoress – and Father Richard Rohr – a Franciscan priest, founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation, and author of many books on spirituality, including a biannual journal called “Oneing ” that has several editions.

Oneing is an old term, but for me the meaning is timeless – it describes the knowledge that nothing exists apart from God, that we and all of creation are one with Spirit. In Revelations of Divine Love, Lady Julian writes “the soul is preciously knitted to God in its making by a knot so subtle and mighty that it is oned into God.” This image brings to mind those inextricable threaded clusters that one someimes finds melded together in the laundry – a knot that absolutely will not come apart, no matter what. She also describes our connections to each other, “In the sight of God all humans are oned, and one person is all people and all people are in one person.” This is what I yearn for, what I know for sure is Truth, but don’t always remember!

This quote from Fr. Rohr speaks to oneing; it touches my heart and challenges me to be authentic in my faith. “A mature Christian sees Christ in everything and everyone else. That is a definition that will never fail you, always demand more of you, and give you no reasons to fight, exclude, or reject anyone.” This message is so timely for our current community, state, national and world events, when in the name of Christianity, so much ill will, exclusion,”othering”, hate, and rancor exist.

From a deeply emotional and personal perspective, the daily challenges of loving a person with Alzheimers makes oneing so important to my mental and spiritual health – remembering that even when Doug’s memory fails to recognize me (fortunately only a few times so far- so devasating!), our souls are knotted together, entwined as one with each other and God. It helps!

Yielding for me this year as another part of my JOY is spiritual surrender – releasing the need to control everything (as if I could anyway!) but especially letting go of preconceived outcomes and trusting Divine Order. I can feel moments of inner peace and JOY when I let go, but I still have a “I need to be in control” mentality, especially when it comes to this horrible disease that is slowly robbing my Doug of his brain function, memory and cognition with its wicked amyloid placques. I want so badly to change what is going on in Doug’s brain, and I struggle to find balance between what faith tells me is possible (with God, all things, right?) and accepting and surrendering to what is with grace, compassion, love, finding joy in our time together with gratitude, knowing God’s presence in all of it. I haven’t reached that balance yet, and hope that my Journey in Oneing and Yielding will help me get closer to achieving that sacred, harmonious equilibrium this year.

We are so fortunate in many ways – access to good health care, the love and support of our wonderful families and helpful friends, hugs from devoted kindred souls at church and in our Spirit Group , our minister and prayer chaplains always there to bring LIght and Love to the situation, and sometimes a stranger like today in a waiting room who gently touched my arm and said “Alzheimers is hard – I’m so sorry,” a simple gesture so authentic and sweet it immediately brought tears to my eyes and I had to catch my breath to keep from breaking down into a flood of usually restrained public emotion.

So much GOOD is there!

So, readers, fellow truth seekers, fellow lovers of acronyms, my JOY begins. I hope you’ll follow me in my 2026 journey and share your thoughts.