Life Savors

Last week, I attended an online session put on by the North Central Texas Area Agency on Aging on the subject of 5NP Acudetox.

Who knew it would be so enlightening, so helpful? I had never heard of this treatment before a few weeks ago when a friend mentioned it – it is a specific form of auricular (ear) acupuncture, distinct and different from traditional Chinese acupuncture. The 5NP (Needle Protocol) refers to the 5 points in the ears where the needles are placed, each with it’s own specific area of release. If you are already thinking “There’s no way I’d do that, ” let me assure you, it does not hurt – at most you’ll feel a tingly sensation with the insertion, and then nothing. The treatment has a fascinating history, you should do a little research on it; at the end of this post, there are links to the youtube class and other resources if you want to know more.

A few weeks prior to the online class, my aforementioned lovely new friend from church, Jamille, had invited me to have tea with her and to experience this treatment, knowing how stressful the end of Aug. and first few weeks of Sept. had been for me. She has a background as an RN, and is certified in – among many other things, 5NP Acudetox! (I’ll share the link to her website at the end also.) I laughed when Jamille told me she “really wanted to get in my ears.” Who knew what good was in the making?!

We scheduled and rescheduled twice, but I was unable to meet with her because of Doug’s ongoing anxiety, agitation, fearful thoughts, and his need to keep me in sight 24/7, which was the primary source of my stressful feelings. Who knew that Divine Right Timing and Divine Order are always manifesting our highest and best outcomes?

After attending the online course, I was determined that Doug and I both could benefit, and I scheduled a clinic visit for us with Jamille last Monday. Our personal experience with this treatment last week was amazing. Who knew it would be so life-altering?

I’ll share some of the benefits we have realized this week; we go back again tomorrow for another treatment, as the effects are apparently cumulative. Who knew it might get even better?

Doug and I both experienced some effects the same day; Jamille said there might be some off-putting results due to the release of toxins that this treatment induces. Doug was quite melancholy, reflecting on his life (with a lot of clarity!) and I had a very heavy heart feeling for a few hours that afternoon. However, we were both much calmer, less reactive, and we had some good conversation before bed.

The next day, Tuesday, was remarkable in that the calming effect was visibly apparent, and Doug was much less confused, no agitation, no anxiety, no fearful thoughts. The melancholy was gone, and my heart felt light. That has continued through the week, neither of us needing the Ativan we each had received prescriptions for in the anxiety-riddled weeks before. Who knew there would be more clarity, less confusion, and peaceful hearts?

I don’t want to overstate the effects of our one session so far – for us they were great and I look forward to the next treatment to see what experiences ensue. Each person’s outcome with the treatment will be as individual and unique as that person is. The effects on dementia and other health concerns are just recently being examined, and there are researchers looking into how else it might be beneficial. I just want to let you know how it enhanced our week. It’s worth looking into.

Today’s daily word (from my Unity prayer booklet of the same name) is “delight.” The last sentence of the reading is “As I welcome each new discovery, I am delighted,” based from Acts 2:28, “You have made known to me the ways of life; you will make me full of gladness with your presence.” What spiritual synchronicity!

Who knew? God, of course! Divine Wisdom is always guiding me, when I have sense enough to listen and heed.

To learn more about the 5 NP Acudetox treatment, here is a link to the you tube recording of the program. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgOECUtD4GY or visit NADA at adudetox.com .

If you are local, here is Jamille’s contact info. She is great! https://www.jamillewellnesscounseling.com

Blessings and gratitude for joining me on this journey.

I made a trip to the Emergency Dept. last month – in the back of an ambulance as a patient. That is not the side of health care I am used to … I am supposed to be the one starting the IV, reassuring the patient, checking the EKG strips, administering the oxygen, doing head to toe assessment of signs and symptoms, and getting the patient history. It was scary, humbling, and not something I ever want to do again.

Caregiving for my beloved Doug is taking it’s toll. The constancy, the 24 hour vigilance, the loss of private time and space, letting go of activities I used to enjoy, not seeing friends and I used to spend time with and less time with family, my volunteer and service work, the list of things I miss grows daily. Something has to change, and I am the one who needs to make it happen.

Asking for help has never been easy for me – I have a super-woman complex, and although I am quite aware of the cost to my personal health – physical and mental – letting go of that cape is hard. I used to teach a class to my colleagues on “Care for the Caregiver – How to Avoid Burnout.” What an example of how head knowledge doesn’t always translate to helpful life action.

I have asked Doug’s family to come and spend some time with us – and they’ve responded with loving support and are on the calendar. Just having trusted family who Doug loves and feels safe around is a blessing, and …. not enough. I need a more constant way to give myself a break, so that I can bring my best to Doug and also do the best for myself. Think of that often-used analogy of putting your own oxygen mask on first.

Back to the ER visit – being an RN I know well the signs of a myocardial infarction, a heart attack, and also know that women often have atypical symptoms and don’t seek care in a timely way. I’ve already developed some stress-related cardiac issues and am on a heart medication to control those. I was scared that now I would have a debilitating event, and then who would take care of Doug?!? As it turned out, it was a panic attack that caused the concerning symptoms – that was a relief and a major wake-up call. Self-care is not a luxury, it is essential.

Today Doug and I attended a “lunch and learn” session put on by the James L. Webb Center about their Home Care and Senior Day Care programs. I have mentioned the West Center before as an excellent resource for all things related to dementia. I learned so much today that lifted my spirits, cleared my mind of self-defeating thoughts about “abandoning Doug” and the accompanying guilt that produced. I don’t yet know how or exactly when this will unfold, but now I know it is good, and that God is in it.

I also know I don’t ever want to be in the back of the ambulance again, and I have a lot of control to ensure it doesn’t happen. Thank you, God, for always providing the answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. I am blessed and grateful.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Today I managed to catch up on some paperwork, pay bills and sweep the kitchen floor. The list of things that needed to be done was much, much longer. I’m focusing on what I what I did get done, however, and being grateful. Yay, me!!

This self cheer has been a long time coming – requiring release, honest self-evaluation with some self recrimination, acceptance, forgiveness, prayer… and claiming my JOY (my 2026 Journey of Oneing and Yielding – see Jan. 5 post). I’ve had to do a major mental makeover the last couple of years!

Caregiving for my beloved Doug has become my full-time job. I used to spend my time being extremely (overly, perhaps?) productive – doing so many things personally and professionally as a single mom of three for over 20 years, rearing three absolutely fabulous kids, working two and sometimes three jobs, holding various RN positions with a lot of responsibility, developing wellness programs, overseeing the school health program at Denton ISD, collaborating with many wonderful school and district administrators and campus RNs who were exceptional, developing our district’s safety plan as their first emergency planner, and working within our community to foster working relationships among many city and county agencies, ensuring smooth communications with all when emergencies arose – health and otherwise. I was instrumental in the organization of two emergency response/advisory councils, and served on multiple boards across Denton and Denton County, receiving a number of accolades and honors along the way. I was very active in church activities at Immaculate Conception Catholic Church, serving in many different roles for over 30 years, developing life-long friends whose connections I treasure to this minute. I share these things not in a bragging way, although I am proud of my work in service to others, but as a measurement of comparison. Go back and read the first sentence of this post!

Now, as my beloved Doug’s caregiver, I spend the majority of my time making sure he feels safe, loved, and comfortable. I’ve always been deeply spiritual, and am still able to participate in our Unity Church of Arlington activities in a variety of leadership roles, which grounds me and Doug both. I am so blessed to continue to have wonderful friends and a family whose love and support I couldn’t do without. I write these blogs for my mental health. Yay, me!

My patron saint, St. Thérèse of Lisieux (1873–1897 ) was also known as the “Little Flower.” She espoused a life of service she called “The Little Way,” a spiritual path of doing ordinary daily tasks and duties with extraordinary love, trust and childlike surrender to God rather than seeking grand or heroic deeds. Her example, at its core, has become my choice as well. That philosophy is serving me well right now, as I’ve needed to yield my need to do, to be, to serve in multiple capacities all the time to many people, to living a much simpler (and still exhausting sometimes) life.

In my “little ways,” I know I am making a difference, and it has boosted my mental health to accept that. I don’t live in the land of “used to” anymore, but in the land of dementia caregiving, in my home of enjoying the good, being grateful for the small ways of my life, and being love in action. These are my blessings. Yay, me!!

Thanks for joining me on this JOYful trip!

Angels have been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I was aware of the real presence of my guardian angel as a child; I remember scooting way over to the side of my bunk bed to make room for her to lay down. I was a very busy child, and quite sure that my angel must be tired from protecting me all day long. I don’t remember when I stopped doing that, but the sense of angel proximity has persisted into my 75th year, coming in different forms at various times of my life, including face to face encounters at a convention in Chicago, a Jiffy Lube, and a Hallmark store.

Growing up, my family recited this well-loved bedtime prayer each night, a favorite in the Catholic faith tradition: Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love commits me here, ever this night be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide me, Amen.

I taught that prayer to my children, and they to their children, so it lives on in our family in a very sweet way. My youngest son, bewilderingly, injected a short rendition of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” each night before he finished the prayer with “Amen.” That one really threw me! Angelic influence can be quite inexplicable.

For many years I have collected angels as figurines, books, in pictures, as jewelry and I have quite a vintage collection of “holy cards” (rewards from the nuns at St. John’s Catholic School). I very much enjoy my collection as they each have “a story.” I’ve never really counted them all, but just sitting here in my chair in our living room there are over 50 figurines easily within sight, and I have oh-so-many-more throughout the house, in the yard, and in drawers and storage boxes to put out for all different seasons. I have a separate jewelry box for my angel pins, necklaces and earrings. Many pieces of my collection have been gifts from family and friends, although I will admit to not being able to resist buying for myself, too. The question “Do I need another angel?” never enters my mind… I mean, can you really have too many angels?!? And I love sharing them as gifts… so there!

And I always wear a piece of my angel jewelry, except when I’m in my pajamas. It feels like an important, tangible connection to Spirit, a reminder to be always aware and open to messages from God as inner wisdom. Angels are usually described as God’s messengers throughout the secular world and in many faith traditions. My acronym? (You knew there had to be one!) Always Near, God’s Emissary of Love. The word “angel” – malakha in Jesus’s language of Aramaic, malakh in Hebrew and angelos in Greek literally means “messenger,” and there are many scriptural references to angels ministering to humans in a lot of different ways as ambassadors for God, revealing future events, bringing comfort, warnings and guidance. Angels are all over the place in Bible stories, mentioned around 300 times.

Unity movement co-founder Charles Fillmore defined angels as “the projection into consciousness of a spiritual idea direct from the Fountainhead, Jehovah” (The Revealing Word). An angel, he adds, is “the word of Truth, in which is centered the power of God to overcome all limited beliefs and conditions.”

Angels in the Bible then, metaphysically, are not beings, but representations of divine ideas. I’m here to testify that those divine ideas take human form!

One of my human-form angelic experiences happened in a Hallmark store while I was trying to find a suitable birthday card for one of my four sisters during a really tough time. I was going through a painful divorce, scared about how I’d take care of my 3 children, how I’d manage on my own. My then husband had left me for an older woman, and my self-esteem was flatter than a pancake. I felt quite sure that I would never experience joy, love, or romance ever again, and I’m pretty sure I hadn’t even really smiled in a while. The small store was almost empty, and I was looking through cards at a dead end aisle. I chose a card to read, and it was so funny and appropriate – the tacky kind of card we enjoyed giving each other as loving sisters – that I laughed out loud. Suddenly, a very nice older woman was just behind me, and she laid her hand on my shoulder and said, “you’ll have many more laughs in your life, a life filled with much love. ” I smiled at her and felt so peaceful, a real blessing at that time. And then, she just disappeared! There was no way she could have just walked away without me seeing her. I left the store with a much lighter heart, and the perfect birthday card. She was right -my life has since been full of laughter and love.

I have had other angel encounters just as wonderful – perhaps I’ll share more of them in later stories, but I’d like to introduce another kind of angel – the friends, family and other loved ones who show up in person in Divine Right Timing with just the right words, a little happy, an offer to go to lunch, or a card in the mail… a real honest-to-goodness hand written card! or a myriad of other “soul supports” to remind me of God’s goodness. These angels have been particularly meaningful during my beloved Doug’s cognitive decline, often coming at a point when I am feeling my lowest, my tiredest, my saddest, my heart full of hurt. They are indeed …in deed!…the divine embodiment of Always Near, God’s Emissaries of Love, my angel friends, my sisters, my kids and grandkids, extended family, in-laws and “outlaws”, my fellow prayer chaplains and others who minister at church and sometimes, strangers, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts.

I am so grateful for each sweet encounter, for the many kindnesses, and I hope that I have been an angel blessing to others in my life when they needed that God expression in human form, bringing the word of Truth, in which is centered the power of God to overcome all limited beliefs and conditions. I can truthfully affirm that angels abound. I have been touched by them.

Thanks for joining my in JOY, my journey of oneing and yielding this year! Blessings and gratitude.

Nowadays, as the sun starts to set and the world’s dusk fades into darkness, I still have a constant, persistent shadow. My beloved Doug is in a common phase of Alzheimers called shadowing. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, he wants to be within eyesight or is calling out to find me, even though I’m nearly always near. I know this comes from a feeling of fear and insecurity – I am at this point his touchpoint to whatever come-and-go security, logic and reality he has at any given moment. That in itself is heartbreaking to experience in my hero always there-for-me husband, and one of the hardest feelings to accept so far in this process of daily heartbreaks.

I do a lot of research on dementia and spend some time reading others’ blogs – those who are experiencing this disease as a caregiver to a loved one – and this sentiment, this loss of privacy and quiet time, is a common theme throughout. Most personal stories that I read are from people caregiving for a parent though; it feels a little different when it is your spouse.

“In people with Alzheimer’s, I believe shadowing represents the message of uncertainty, insecurity or fear,” writes Angela Lunde in her Mayo Clinic Alzheimer’s blog. “‘Where am I? What am I doing here? What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? Do I know you?’ Consequently, caregivers represent a lifeline, security, a protector and an anchor to oneself.”

I see all these fears surfacing in Doug’s communication and behaviors, especially in the evening when another common phenomenon, called “sundowning,” exacerbates his anxieties. “Sundowning” manifests in confusion, anxiety, agitation and sleeplessness, and just increases the overall atmosphere of chaos and confusion. My evening spiritual practices include a lot of peace affirmations, self-centering prayer, and soothing messages for Doug – “I’m right here, you are safe, and I’m going to make us some tea,” acknowledging his need for security and routine. We maintain pretty structured rituals for evening time at home, especially after dark.

Caring for someone who has Alzheimer’s dementia is stressful and sometimes overwhelming. But when shadowing starts to occur, the experience can be virtually suffocating. It is a really difficult behavior for someone like me to manage and…somedays I just need some SPACE!!! A Silent Place Alone to reCharge my Energy

That challenge of never being alone is really hard. I was single for 23 years before my Doug and I got together, and about 7 of those years were after all 3 of my kids had left home to embark on their own adventures in college and in life. And I loved it. Being able to make my own schedule, eat what and when I wanted, do or not do activities suited me just fine. I love my life with Doug, and this phase is really hard because alone time, just some “space away” in our home is just not easily accomplished. Uninterrupted bathroom time, reading time, thinking time, writing time, praying time —I crave it. For those of you who are right now thinking, “Why doesn’t she just…. (whatever you think should be easy enough to do)? believe me, it is not.

I’ve somewhat adapted at this point, albeit a bit begrudgingly, to embracing the few moments each day when, like right now, he is napping in the chair next to me, or has taken Maya, our dog, out for a short walk, which he blessedly still feels like doing most mornings. Sometimes he putters in the garage, or watches TV in another room, or does a bit of watering in the yard. Even in those more quiet moments, though, I’m still “on duty,” watching the Life 360 when he’s out walking, or listening to his breathing patterns, which have also changed, or checking on him outside or in the garage, responding to any unusual noises with a bit of alarm.

Fortunately, as always, God’s got me! A deeper SPACE is always available (when I can remember) – my Soul’s Peace-filled Alignment with the Christ Expression within – that place of inner quiet no matter the outward conditions. That SPACE is always available and so valuable right now as we navigate yet another phase of Alzheimers, with daily, even minute to minute, changes happening in Doug’s brain . I can just breathe, go within, celebrate the good in my life with gratitude. And there is plenty of good!

As my OuterSPACE becomes less available, I return to the ever-present InnerSPACE in oneness with God. I am blessed and grateful.

Thanks for sharing in my JOY today from DeepSPACE!

My year of JOY, a Journey of One-ing and Yielding (see Jan. 5 post for insight) is already half over AND, I’m turning 75 this week!! What?!?!

These first 6 months of 2026 have been filled with a myriad of “growth opportunities,” some of which I’ve embraced and others that I’ve hands-down shunned. There have been so many challenges, some successes, so many tears, some laughter and fun, and a whole lot of love. It’s all growth, I guess, coming in spurts as it does, accompanied by the requisite”growing pains.” I’ve been learning more about dementia from my completely unwanted front row seat, witnessing Doug’s declining cognition and processing, celebrating the joy of being with him and grieving the changes at the same time.

The One-ing part of my journey at this half mark has been incredibly enhanced through my daily spiritual practices, affirmative prayer, meditation, sitting in the Silence, serving as a prayer chaplain at church. I see the face of God in my kids, my grandkids, my other family and friends, and I’m trying to see all people as the children of God that they are ( it’s much more uncomplicated with those I like …I’m working on that). It just seems easier to feel oneness with Ever-Present Spirit now more than ever before, probably because I am intentional about it; I am dedicated to the practice and awareness of Universal Oneness. It is my “knowing that Spirit is flowing.”

Yielding is not coming as easily. I still have a persistent not-at-all-helpful-know-it-all tendency that gets in my way as circumstances are changing, which is our norm now. Doug and I reside in an ever-shifting life landscape full of deep potholes, explosive landmines and other challenges, big and small. It is unsettling and scary not to know what is coming next in his mentation. I still try, quite unsuccessfully, to correct his inaccurate recollections and stories, to “remind” him of things he has forgotten, and even argue with him about what is and what is not real. Arguing with a disease is futility in action, frustration in full force, and yet I persist in my fierce resistance to acceptance, so reluctant to release any illusion of control, behaving as though my willfulness with make it better. As if!!

Believe me, there is no fair fight with Alzheimer’s!

I’m adjusting way too slowly to the concept of this as a terminal disease, robbing my beloved of his abilities to process even simple tasks, clouding the memories of our precious years together, and stealing away our plans for growing old together, for traveling to Italy, taking a train ride through Canada, for even being able to leave home for an overnight fun trip. Some days I do well just to keep from pulling my hair out, and Doug’s too! It feels endless, and my mind has stiffened, my heart hardened against acceptance, unable to consistently embrace and employ the techniques I’ve learned from the classes that the James L. West Center for Dementia Care offers for free. (What a blessing they are!)

Yielding from a spiritual perspective is my answer, and I’m trying…trying… trying.

Spiritual yielding – surrendering my personal ego, willfulness and my illusion of control to God, has been a daily trial for me. Wayne Dyer had a great acronym for EGO – Edging God Out – and I’m working on keeping God at my center instead of on the edges, and staying intentionally in the Divine Flow. Some days the strength is there for release and acceptance, and some days, it just feels like too much to deal with. Some days, being 75 just feels very old and very tired.

Fortunately, my intentional efforts toward spiritual yielding are producing some success, albeit more slowly than I’d like. (Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW! Do you hear that ego and willfulness and control there?) What success looks like for me from moment to moment is being able to accept the circumstances of Alzheimer’s without being as attached to outcomes as I have been in the past, when I’ve tried to force my desired outcomes through sheer personal willpower. Because I always know what’s best, right?!? That’s not worked well for me in most, if not all of my previous life challenges; you’d think I’d have learned that lesson better in 75 years, yet I am still at it!

In my higher, more spiritually aware moments, I am able to make active, Christ-conscious decisions to yield to the Divine Order unfolding in our lives, reminding myself over and over that trusting God and being an open and receptive vessel to LOVE is always the better path, serving both me and Doug in the best and highest sacred sense.

Through that awarenesss, that higher consciousness , I am then better able to release my concerns to the care and keeping of God and just do the best I can, minute to minute, day to day to connect to the inner peace that I know resides in me, always available to me when I choose to remember it.

I REST – Renewing my Energy in Silent Time – when I can, and I claim deep, conscious gratitude for each moment that I have with Doug. There are spiritual gifts and grace to be received in spiritual yielding. I affirm, “Today I make time to accept God’s grace gratefully with an open heart.”

So,,, 75 years in the making, still young enough to live and learn with a loving heart and open mind. God’s ways are WAY BETTER than mine, even when I don’t understand.

I yield the floor to God!

Blessings and gratitude for joining me on my journey – my year of JOY.

We live on a relatively busy residential corner – hearing emergency sirens is not unusual, especially as there are two fire departments and one police station within just a mile or two away in different directions, and we are only a mile away from I-20.

Every time I hear a siren, I affirm YES and BLESS! HELP is on the way. Get ready for some acronyms deluxe!

Texas state law regarding yielding to emergency vehicles https://codes.findlaw.com/tx/transportation-code/transp-sect-545-156/ states you must pull over as far to the right side of the road as you can to allow them free and speedy passage to get to wherever they are going. That is the required YES … Yield to Emergency Services. I unfortunately have often experienced drivers who, for whatever reason, do not respond accordingly, and I feel angry at their apathy toward the urgency of whatever it is that EMS, fire, and/or law enforcement are responding to. I don’t think our world needs any more “anger waves” vibrating out there, so I choose to reframe that negative energy into something more beneficial to all.

I begin to BLESS! I Breathe Love into Emergency Services Situations

Somewhere there are people, a family, – children perhaps – who need immediate aid in some way and helpers who are responding. Those wonderful professionals who are racing to help – to put out a fire, save a life, remove a public safety threat among so many other potential emergencies- need to be there as quickly as possible. Our job is to get out of the way, YES and BLESS!

We BLESS the emergency responders in their work, their readiness to serve – affirming their skill and expertise, their compassion, their willingness to be present in difficult and sometimes dangerous situations. We bless those needing help, holding sacred space around their circumstances, be they physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, being open to the possibility of good, praying best outcomes. When we Breathe Love into Emergency Services Situations, we are affirming the presence of God as ever-present Love.

Next – HELP is on the way! Healing Energy of Love and Prayer

We are most likely not able to be of much service in the actual physical situation that is occurring, but by wrapping all affected by emergency situations in God’s Love and Light through affirmative prayer, sends out a healing energy of higher consciousness that ripples out to benefit anyone involved. A short affirmation such as “God is present, supporting each person in this emergency,” can be very helpful.

There are times in my life when “spiritual sirens” go off in my head , letting me know there is a dispruption in my inner peace, my balance. Maybe I am feeling angry about something that has happened, or I feel wronged by someone. Perhaps I am giving myself messages of not being enough, focusing on perceived limitations or lack in various areas of my life, physically, socially, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually.

Perhaps it is when I feel frustrated with Doug, knowing that he is doing the best he can do, and still just being so tired of answering the same questions over and over, or repeatedly having to remind him to do simple tasks, one step at a time. I often then feel guilty about my impatience, or I let anxiety that his decline is worsening at an increased pace go unchecked, or I fear he’ll forget who I am, or that I’ll no longer be able to care for him in the best way possible at home. These can get to “5-alarm spiritual sirens!!”

These “soul sirens” can also benefit by YES, and BLESS, HELP is on the way with a spiritual twist.

YES – Yield to Eternal Spirit. When I consciously surrender control, when I am able to relinquish my concerns to God’s care and keeping, I realize that relying solely on my own strength is not serving my highest good. I am more easily able to accept “what is” with faith and trust, knowing Divine Order is in action. This acknowledgement and release brings peace as I am able to detach from the outcome, and just do my best at the moment, whatever that is. I can then stay open to the limitless potential of the Divine.

BLESS – I am Bathed in the Loving Energy of Sacred Spirit. Remembering that God is always present in my life, that I am a beloved child of God brings me to an even higher level of peace, of knowing my oneness with God. The Unity Prayer for Protection reminds me: The Light of God surrounds me, the Love of God enfolds me, the Power of God protects me, and the Presence of God watches over me. Wherever I am, God is! Blessed indeed.

I am better able then to HELP myself through the Healing Energy of Loving Prayer, lifting me with positive affirmations to support spiritual clarity and direction, anchoring me to faith and trusting that all is well, quieting my anxieties, keeping me centered on good.

I breathe in peace, I breath out calmness. I breathe in love, I send it out to the world. God is my source, substance and supply. I have all I need and more. Divine Wisdom guides me in all my decision-making. I am blessed and grateful! Thank you, God.

With YES, BLESS and HELP, my good is here and now.

Blessings and gratitude!

This week I’m so tired of being the only grownup in the house. I know that sounds terribly whiny, Hear me out….

The mowers threw a stone and shattered the storm door at the front of our house.

The air conditioning in my very old car is not working and it is already ##$%& HOT outside.

Our garage door opener quit working, the bazillion potted plants outside need watering (those hoses are HEAVY!) , the garage needs to be cleaned up and organized with a lot of stuff needing to go to the dump.

The electricity has been on and off several times, usually right when I’m in the middle of needing to do something “electric.”

I haven’t cleaned my house in 2 weeks and the dust bunnies are bigger than our dog Maya, a 60 pound Vizsla, and Doug is no longer driving, so I am chauffeur to all appointments and errands and EVERYTHING.

Our HVAC needs servicing, trees must be trimmed before the next storm (over 50 in our yard, mature oaks!) and I need new tires. Can I manage all this?!? Of course I can, and yet, this is the stuff Doug used to take care of. I’m overwhelmed, under-energied, mad and sad. I’ve had to start taking medicine for my heart, I wake up tired, and I savor those all-too-rare moments when I can just BE without constant interruption… let’s just call it Exhaustion.

I honestly want to just sit in my recliner, watch Hallmark movies and Midsomer Murders, drink my tea (ok.. and some wine) and be a slug BY MYSELF for a week. But things have to be done, and I have my usual obligations on top of all the “Doug used-to duties.”

My dear friend Barb gave me a wonderful book about 15 years ago called “To Bless this Space Between Us,” written by Celtic poet, mystic, and former priest John O’Donohue. It is filled with beautiful free verse poetry that tends sweetly to my tired and sad heart with word of blessings, each section seemingly written with an eye directly into my soul, expressed with an innate vision and wisdom about all it means to be human, to celebrate, to grieve, to be on the cusp of new adventures, to grow old. The following excerpt from this beautiful collection of poetry speaks deeply to me right now, allowing me to feel whatever I feel and still know there is hope.

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted    by John O’Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,

Time takes on the strain until it breaks;

Then all the unattended stress falls in

On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.

Things you could take in your stride before

Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.

Gravity begins falling inside you,

Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out

And you are marooned on unsure ground.

Something within you has closed down;

And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.

The desire that drove you has relinquished.

There is nothing else to do now but rest

And patiently learn to receive the self

You have forsaken in the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken

And sadness take over like listless weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

AHHH – I’ve read this time and time again, different passages cutting through and softening all the hardness of caregiving to my beloved, offering grace to my soul – I feel heard, understood, and hopeful. GRACE! God’s Reminder that I am Always Cherished and Embraced – wrapped in love, in light, in peace – no matter the circumstances or conditions. I don’t have to be anything or anyone other that who I am, right now, mired in exhaustion. Doug is sleeping, the TV is off, there is a gentle rain pattering on the skylight. GRACE!

Blessings and gratitude for listening!

Alzheimer’s disease is a terminal condition. I haven’t yet wrapped my head or my heart around that concept. I do my research, I sign up for caregiver blogs, I do continuing education offered online at the James L. West Center for Dementia in Ft. Worth.

It is all helpful in some ways, and… it is not, because I still can’t quite grasp that my darling Doug, my soulmate, is dying from Alzheimer’s and I am helpless to stop it.

I pray, I cry, I read some more, research, learn, cry some more, pray some more.

I was watching an inspirational video about a young woman who has terminal cancer, and her words “we all die from something; this is what I am dying from” gave me pause. As a long time RN who has worked in many settings, including ER and hospice, I have witnessed people transitioning in many ways – trauma, overdose, heart attacks, cancer and other diseases, car wrecks, expected deaths, unexpected deaths, some inexplicable. Still, this is my Doug, my beloved husband, who is younger than I, a spiritually aware, funny, sensitive and compassionate soul, and this doesn’t seem real to me. This hurts so much – I am a nurse for the love of Pete, and I help fix things, make people better, provide healing therapies and promote wellness ….right?!?!

When my daddy passed away four years ago, I knew what to expect. As one of two nurse daughters, I helped my other sisters and my mom understand some of the phases he would experience as his body did a natural shutdown. I was sad, yet as I helped take care of him in his last few months, it felt peaceful. I was honored to be a part of his last days, talking to him, holding his hand, laughing at some memories and crying over a few more.

This is different – I want to kick and scream and yell at God. I want to rant to the universe how unfair this is. I’m scared and I feel so helpless. I want to pray those damn amyloid placques away. I visualize Doug’s brain as whole and healthy. I rationalize – maybe if we change this medication, or offer more brain stimulation, Sodoku puzzles, drink more water, eat more fruit, have ice cream all day long— anything!

I have so many loving support systems – my kids, grandkids, Doug’s siblings and their beloveds, my sisters, more nieces and nephews than I can sometimes keep track of – a loving spiritual family at Unity of Arlington, and close forever friends. They all lift me in different ways with caring hearts and listening ears. It is wonderful and helpful, I am so grateful, and…it is still not enough.

What I have to return to time and time again is FAITH.

Being Firmly Anchored to Infinite Truth and Hope is something no other person or outer events or circumstances can offer – this is just totally me and God – Infinite Truth. It is at once intangible and abstract, yet concrete, palpable. Thoughts of faith nest in my mind and touch my heart and soul with peace. It is the anchor that tethers me to God, to Truth, to Hope in a sea of uncertainty and anxiety, it brings calm to my chaotic fears. That is the very real Presence of God. I trust that Spirit is the constant HOPE, holding us fast through every moment of caregiving, of loving, while Doug and I maneuver each new moment of concern, each new change, each exhausting day and sometimes restless nights.

Doug is dying from Alzheimer’s; we are all dying from something. Dark thoughts or the light of spiritual awareness ? I don’t pretend to know… probably both?

What I do know is that right now this very minute there is more to live with my Doug, more to love with him, more to enjoy our lives and celebrate the good with gratitude. Those are my affirmations in Faith, those are the words of HOPE I pray. Still…

somethimes the best I can do is just let myself REST in FAITH – when I can remember to do that.

Blessings!

A Prayerful End to All Conflict Everywhere!

Our national Department of Defense recently became the Department of War…what a missed opportunity to make an important statement about what our nation’s “heart values” are, or could be, given appropriate direction and wisdom. I would instead recommend calling it the Department of Peace – a much better focus for our country from my perspective; I submit the majority of those who live in our world might feel the same.

Today is Memorial Day. Even when we don’t agree with war, as I suspect most of us don’t, we still take time to honor the memory of those who served and didn’t survive. They answered the call of duty to country, going off to foreign lands, no doubt most of them scared, and many many of them just kids. We honor their families on this day, too. I can’t imagine the heartbeak at receiving the news of a loved one’s death, or MIA/POW status, or never receiving any word at all about what happened – they just never returned. Memorial day is not just about the past. Hostile conflicts throughout our world continue up to now; current events are saturated with the word WAR as more precious children of God are killed in the line of duty, frequently to serve someone else’s false gods of greed and power.

Peace to their souls.

And war-time casualties come in different ways. I consider Memorial Day a tribute to them as well, who, like a friend I had in high school, returned physically, but…

Tommy was a few years older than I, just back from Vietnam, and came to visit me in Borger. He confided he felt “dead inside.” I really didn’t grasp the depth of his heartbreak until I was a seasoned nurse with a lot more human trauma experience, but something that happened during his visit is a lasting, sad memory. We were sitting in the living room talking, and my daddy came home from work, raising up our big, heavy and noisy garage door to come inside. It was just a familiar rumble to me, but it triggered Tommy, who immediately bolted from his chair and hit the floor face down with arms protecting his head. He was shaking, so embarrassed, and left not long after, never visiting again. I still think of him sometimes. I don’t know where he is or if he is still in the dimension of the living, but I send out peace energy, hoping that somewhere along the way he felt alive again.

Peace is a soothing, healing, grounding word, releasing restorative energy that counteracts chaos. This Memorial Day, as we remember those who have and who are sacrificing their lives in service to others, let us also remember to affirm PEACE, to achieve that Peaceful End to All Conflict Everywhere, internal and external. It is only with peace in our own hearts can we manifest peace everywhere. Blessed Memorial Day, and Peace to all.