I made a trip to the Emergency Dept. last month – in the back of an ambulance as a patient. That is not the side of health care I am used to … I am supposed to be the one starting the IV, reassuring the patient, checking the EKG strips, administering the oxygen, doing head to toe assessment of signs and symptoms, and getting the patient history. It was scary, humbling, and not something I ever want to do again.
Caregiving for my beloved Doug is taking it’s toll. The constancy, the 24 hour vigilance, the loss of private time and space, letting go of activities I used to enjoy, not seeing friends and I used to spend time with and less time with family, my volunteer and service work, the list of things I miss grows daily. Something has to change, and I am the one who needs to make it happen.
Asking for help has never been easy for me – I have a super-woman complex, and although I am quite aware of the cost to my personal health – physical and mental – letting go of that cape is hard. I used to teach a class to my colleagues on “Care for the Caregiver – How to Avoid Burnout.” What an example of how head knowledge doesn’t always translate to helpful life action.
I have asked Doug’s family to come and spend some time with us – and they’ve responded with loving support and are on the calendar. Just having trusted family who Doug loves and feels safe around is a blessing, and …. not enough. I need a more constant way to give myself a break, so that I can bring my best to Doug and also do the best for myself. Think of that often-used analogy of putting your own oxygen mask on first.
Back to the ER visit – being an RN I know well the signs of a myocardial infarction, a heart attack, and also know that women often have atypical symptoms and don’t seek care in a timely way. I’ve already developed some stress-related cardiac issues and am on a heart medication to control those. I was scared that now I would have a debilitating event, and then who would take care of Doug?!? As it turned out, it was a panic attack that caused the concerning symptoms – that was a relief and a major wake-up call. Self-care is not a luxury, it is essential.
Today Doug and I attended a “lunch and learn” session put on by the James L. Webb Center about their Home Care and Senior Day Care programs. I have mentioned the West Center before as an excellent resource for all things related to dementia. I learned so much today that lifted my spirits, cleared my mind of self-defeating thoughts about “abandoning Doug” and the accompanying guilt that produced. I don’t yet know how or exactly when this will unfold, but now I know it is good, and that God is in it.
I also know I don’t ever want to be in the back of the ambulance again, and I have a lot of control to ensure it doesn’t happen. Thank you, God, for always providing the answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. I am blessed and grateful.
Thanks for joining me on this journey.