STOP!

Each week, as a spiritual practice, I write a new affirmation based on a focus word to direct my thoughts and actions in an intentional way to experience and effect good. I do it at the top of an 8 x 11 paper that also has a longer affirmative prayer which I update often, and big blank calendar spaces for each day to fill in things I plan to do, reminders, special events, appointments, etc. This is my MAP (Morning Affirmative Prayer). This week, my focus words are Wisdom and Discernment and my affirmation begins with this question: What is mine to do, not do, say, not say, and when is the best time to do, not do, say, not say?!?! I affirm the need to take time to STOP ( for Sacred Time Of Prayer) wait, I listen to the small quiet inner voice… Discern with Wisdom.

I’ve learned a lot in the last few years of living with my beloved Doug as we both experience his journey with dementia. I’ve taken caregiver classes through the James L. West Center for Dementia Care in Ft Worth (highly recommended!), talked to friends who are living with the same concerns and challenges and cried with those whose loved ones have transitioned with the diagnosis of Alzheimers. I’ve joined an online support group for caregivers, I read a lot, try to stay up on research, all of which is helpful. Yet nothing prepares me like just living each day with all the grace I can muster, being grateful for those moments when things seem “normal” and enjoyable, and learning the hard way what works and what is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL!

I’ve eliminated the question “remember? ” from my vocabulary – NOT AT ALL HELPFUL!

If Doug could remember names, events, processes, words, including what I just said one minute ago, he would! I have to remind myself that this is what amyloid placques do …those unwelcome abnormal clumps of protein that build up around the neurons, wreaking havoc – they damage the neurons and disrupt brain function. Doug wants so badly to remember things; he is usually aware that he has forgotten something with good nature and a sense of humor. God bless him. But his frustration is there, SO… what does help is my reassurance to him that I am here, that I love him, that I am not going anywhere, which seems to be a bit of a recurrent theme in his expressions of fear.

Also helpful is identifying and avoiding triggers that set him on a descending path – taking overnight trips away from home, having an alcohoic drink (NEVER AGAIN!!) , changing his routine, not eating regularly, me being gone for more than a few hours at a time, especially in the evening, dark seeming to be a trigger on its own. We learned about each of these the hard way, by him experiencing two frightening psychotic episodes, which, fortunately did not last for more than a few hours, but felt devastating. He doesn’t remember them, which is such a blessing. I would like to forget them.

I cry a lot with my own sense of inadequacy at not being able to fix this health problem, especially when my impatience has broken through in situations where he is trying to do something, it isn’t working and I know I can just do it quickly and without any problem. How dare I butt in, take over and emphasize his already heightened sense of inadequacy? I feel ashamed at my impatience, and am uncertain as to when to offer to help. But just taking over impatiently is NOT HELPFUL TO EITHER ONE OF US!

So… I STOP.

Taking time pray, to affirm the goodness in my life, to just breathe intentionally, in and out with the phrase “thank you, God” brings me back to center, reminding me of the LOVE present in the room, in the space between us, in my heart. I take a moment to savor that goodness, to smile, to give my beloved a quick kiss and squeeze his hand. This is what works.

So, my question to myself at the beginning of this page – what is mine to do, not do, say, not say, and when? It becomes pretty clear, even simple (but not necessarily always easy!). When I’m unsure, feel scared, impatient, inadequate, I STOP, breathe, open my heart, quiet my soul, listen to Spirit, and very often, PAUSE my mouth! This is HELPFUL! Discernment and Wisdom in action.

What is “Supremely” helpful? STOP in the name of LOVE!!